If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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