She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
