Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
