Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
