So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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