So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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