Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
