you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
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