Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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