woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize