Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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