Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
