Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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