and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
