birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
