did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
