Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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