I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
