between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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