I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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