Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You pole danced in your parka.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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