woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
