Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
