Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
