im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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