i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
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