Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
