So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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