i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
sarcasm needs its own font
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
