Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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