"it" just moved
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
