If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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