the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize