She is in my trunk
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
