forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
