Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
There's always time for handjobs
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
