She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
