I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
