I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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