I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
