Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The uberlube is also flammable
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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