so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
