i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize