if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
