the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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