I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
