So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
