ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
