Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
