You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize