Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
