I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize