I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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