Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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