So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
