I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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