I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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