if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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