Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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