I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize