last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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