I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
