Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
