She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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