Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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