Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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