I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
