Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
