We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
